Twilight.

Here's an update and a rant that nobody will read. But if you do, I beg you not to judge me and if you do keep your thoughts to yourself, I am already pretty fucked up about this already.

Happy summer. June 30th, 2009. 10:00 PM.
Sitting here right now, actually away from all of the partying and stuff,
i'm not too sure what to think of myself. I like John a lot, I do..
But having sex with him? What WAS I thinking?! All this is going to lead
to is him sticking around for a couple months. Then I will be alone again.
I know little about him, but enough to know I want him. He either is a really
good actor or is actually terrified of being in a relationship. Either way, the
way he is makes me want him more and more. If I could have it my way I
would be with him as much as possible. He must have something for me..
I mean he was CRYING about how scared he was? I think, I was too shaken
with the fact that he was crying and putting some of his walls down in front
of me. I have started to also. I told him my past and my feelings towards him
and everything else. The worst part of it all..I am starting to trust in him..
I mean really trust him...This scares the living shit out of me. I don't trust..
Like EVER. I thought to myself that I am willing to wait, but then I thought
about it and I don't know what I am going to do, I waited for Alex for six
fucking months. How far did that get me?

How did I get here? About a month ago this boy was running around in my dreams
yet here he is now...So close, and yet..so out of my reach.

There is one thing I wanna know, who is this creature?
And how does he have me like this?

Already..

Let me lay this out.
He is: Charming, funny, smart, sexy, creative, cute, talkative enough for the both of us
when I am being the quiet one, enjoys sexual things JUST about as much as I do..Even
thought I feel like that's what has gotten me into this mess. He is sensitive, he is put
together, he actually plans on having a future for himself, he has a job...There is a lot
of things, that has me hooked on him. At this point, I think of him as a drug, right now
I am feeding my addiction, then later when he will be gone I will start having the major
problems. When this doesn't end well, I think I am going to give up on things for a while.
Not saying I love him. Because I don't..But there is something about him..I can't even put
my finger on it. I don't mind not being in a relationship with him at this point. I still just
love being around him. He's admitting to the fact that he likes me. But right now it's not
enough I suppose. Maybe one day it will be.

"Maybe i'll love you oneday, maybe we'll someday grow."

That's it for my rant.

New Moon!

New Moon, paperback now available! :D

Jackson!